Prayer

Letting Go of Discernment Anxiety

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / 5 Comments

imag0266Our discernments can start to go offtrack when we allow anxiety to take over. But if we are at a turning point in our lives where we might be changing directions or where we cannot see the future, it can be easy to start worrying about the uncertainty of the unknown.

One young woman who was discerning her vocation told me. “Discerning is hard. It’s like I’m trying to predict the future.”

Discernment isn’t easy, but not because it’s predicting the future. Discernment is about seeking God’s call in the present moment. While it’s true that whatever choices we make today will affect our future, the way to live in discernment is to seek to faithfully live God’s call in the present moment, taking it moment by moment.

So why do most of us, at some points in our discernment, become anxious? Why is discernment so hard?

Discernment can be hard because it requires us to trust God in a very personal way. Discernment calls us to trust…

  • That God loves us
  • That God has a plan for us
  • That God is revealing or will reveal his plan to us
  • That God is at work in our lives today, in ways that we often cannot see or recognize
  • That ultimately, we have a lot less control over our own lives than we’d like to think. (We have free will, can make choices, and are responsible for our own behavior, but so many parts of our lives and the situations we find ourselves in are beyond our control. When we are not in control of these things, anxiety about them can give us a sense that we have some control. Then it can become even harder to entrust them to God’s loving providence.)

We may think that we trust in God because we can recite an Act of Faith or the Creed. But sometimes the truths of our faith can seem theoretical or far away from us personally, even though they are not. Yes, we believe in the Incarnation. Yes, we believe in Jesus’ most holy Presence in the Eucharist. Our faith sometimes seems more like a checklist.

But do we believe that Jesus is present in the Eucharist not just for everyone else, but for me, personally? Do we believe that God will act in our lives, right here and right now, when we need him to? For many of us, that kind of trust in God has to be learned experientially.

Sometimes the best thing to do when we struggle with trusting God, especially when we feel anxious about the uncertainty of the future, is to turn our prayer into surrender, entrusting even our fears to God’s loving hands. We can more easily do this if we can focus on living the present moment. We can almost always entrust this moment and whatever we are going through to God.

The Bible is full of wonderful passages that express and help us grow in trust in God. Some of my favorites are:

  • Psalm 23 The Lord is my shepherd
  • Jeremiah 17:7-8 Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord.
  • Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord, not in your own understanding
  • Matthew 6:25-34 Jesus tells us not to worry
  • Philippians 4:4-20 God will meet all our needs
  • 1 John 4:7-21 Rely on God’s love for us

If you have a favorite Scripture passage that encourages you to trust in the Lord, I’d love for you to share it below. In my next post, I’ll share a favorite psalm that is an oft-repeated prayer in my life.

How to discern with a ticking clock?

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / Leave a comment

dramatic-sky-210776_1280Every good story has key turning points in which the rest of the protagonist’s life is affected. Turning points in our lives are usually, but not always, recognizable. In BBC’s Sherlock, a recent retelling of Arthur Conan Doyle’s detective stories, Dr. Watson’s decision to become roommate to the enigmatic Sherlock Holmes is the definitive turning point upon which Dr. Watson’s entire future is based, although Watson certainly did not know that at the time. (It changes Sherlock’s life profoundly, too, although he is slower to admit it—see season 3.) In storytelling, turning points are characterized by their importance in affecting characters’ lives, whether they know it or not.

What about when we do know that a decision will shape the rest of our life? How do we navigate the tensions and challenges of making such an important decision when we face specific constraints? Constraints like:

  • a ticking clock (we have to choose a course of study before the semester starts; we have 48 hours to accept a new job; etc.),
  • the needs or expectations of family members,
  • the reality that saying “yes” to one thing is saying “no” to everything else–and some “no’s” we can’t take back.

Constraints may seem more pressing in larger discernments, but they are part of every discernment, to be impartially looked at, prayed over, and evaluated as part of our seeking God’s will.

It’s true that bigger decisions can bring greater pressure and often greater time constraints, which also means that it can be harder to enter into the quiet necessary for us to hear God’s gentle invitations, or discover our deeper desires. It can also be harder to detach from external pressures, and even to evaluate which of our desires are ego-driven and which resonate with our deeper desire to do God’s will.

In these situations, we have several choices:

1) Evaluate external constraints that put pressure on us to make a quick decision: are they real or are they unnecessary pressures? For example, we may feel pressure to rush to select our major area of study at a certain point. Is this the expectation of parents, teachers, customs, or school? Is it our own expectation or goal, or is it a real requirement of the program? If it is a real requirement, can we ask for an extension? Is there a possibility of changing it later?

Others’ expectations can seem to be a real constraint, but most often they can—and need—to be put aside in order to discern well. If the external constraints are not real, then we can take the time we need to discern.

On the other hand, sometimes constraints are real. In this case, we still have choices.

2) Delay when possible. Sometimes we may feel so pressured that we can tell we’re not thinking clearly; we feel muddled, unable to gain the interior detachment to freely make a choice. If this is the case, and there is any way to delay our decision so that we have the time to pray over and discern our choice, this is a good time to delay. However, this doesn’t mean to simply avoid the issue altogether.

(Deciding to make no decision at all until after the deadline has passed is not discerning. Instead, we are making a negative decision. Rather than prayerfully discerning as best we can, we are simply saying “no,” turning away from the opportunity in front of us. This is not real discernment.)

If the time constraints are firm and unavoidable, then we simply move forward to make the best decision we can:

3) Do the best we can within the limits placed on us. We are only human, and God knows our strengths and weaknesses, and will work with us in our limitations.

One thing we can do is to actually use the time and energy we have to focus on discerning. Sometimes we become so frantic that we don’t take the time and opportunities we actually have. Put aside other, less urgent activities and make space—even small amounts of space—to discern. Make a half day of retreat; go to make a Eucharistic hour of adoration after work; take a long walk; put aside a couple of errands so that you have time to talk over your discernment with a trusted mentor.

The key in dealing with external constraints is to examine each pressure to see if it’s valid and to give each one only as much importance as it truly deserves.

It’s important that we discern as best we can. If external limitations make a rapid decision necessary, we trust that God will be faithful to his love for us, and will work through our limitations and deepest desires, as he always does. Trust is essential in every discernment: to place ourselves and our future in God’s loving hands.

Key Moments To Discern

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / Leave a comment

pexelnature-sky-sunset-manWhat are some of the key moments in our life when we might want to pay special attention to discernment? Any time we are going though a big change. Some of these big changes include: the death of a loved one, moving, financial crisis, job loss or change, physical illness, changes in the lives of our closest loved ones (e.g. children leave home, a spouse retires, etc.), changes in our roles or responsibilities, etc.

Changes, whether they seem good or bad, can be are stressful. We may have to learn a lot in a hurry, let go of what we treasure, or develop new attitudes, new routines or ways of doing things. Change offers opportunities for growth and new perspectives, but change can also be overwhelming, anxiety-producing, exhausting, and confusing. Even gradual changes—such as aging—can suddenly make a difference in our day-to-day lives. (For example, a sudden flare-up of arthritis can permanently change our exercise routine. Or a last child leaving home can leave an empty hole in our lives.) Changes that may seem small to others can still have a huge influence on our lives, in terms of stress, adjustment, and routine.

Big moments of change are wonderful opportunities for discernment, which is why it can be so helpful to bring an attitude of discernment to them. Change tends to surprise us with its unfamiliarity and can help us to see things in new ways. Change can open us up to possibilities that we previously might now have recognized. The stress that accompanies change can also make living in a spirit of discernment more difficult.

Paying attention in change

We can bring the spiritual art of discernment with us into the times of bigger change in our lives.

—Change is an opportunity to grow in trust in God. Whatever is new or different can “shake us up.” Change is almost always accompanied by a new perspective and some anxiety. Look for God’s presence and love in the unexpected, in the new, and in the painful.

—Change is also an opportunity to stretch and grow. Try to be open to new insights, new invitations from God.

—Change can also be an opportunity to shift our focus from one thing to another. As we pray about where and how God is calling us in whatever is changing for us, be prepared to let go.

—The stress of going through certain changes can cause us to lose sleep. Our feelings may be more intense and we may react more strongly than usual. Just at the time when we feel the need for more prayer and quiet, we find we have less time. But in times of stress and change, it’s even more important to carve out some moments of quiet prayer every day. We can’t let the chaos of change distract us from our relationship with God. If we truly need to, we can take less time to pray, but we will still want to work in some short times of prayer daily, and be faithful to a longer time of prayer each week.

The next post will talk about dealing with specific constraints, such as deadlines and others’ expectations, with spiritual freedom.

New Discernment@the Movies Guide: Inside Out!

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / 1 Comment

InsideOutInside Out is a delightful animated film that stands up to repeated viewings by children and adults. (I got more out of the film the second time I watched it!) The themes of feelings, integration, and getting to know our inner life make this film an interesting way to reflect on feelings and discernment.

I’ve posted up a new Discernment@theMovies Guide to the film here. I hope you have a chance to watch the film and to reflect on it. If you do, please share your comments here!

Odds & Ends & Discernment Tips

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / Leave a comment

After posting about what to do when we feel unworthy about following our call, I came across the story of Sr. Marlyn Evangelina Monge, another Daughter of Saint Paul. Like me, she wondered if she was “worthy” to become a sister. I hope you enjoy it.

On her blog, Pursued by Truth, Sr. Theresa Aletheia highlights Sr. Alicia, who won on the show Chopped this week! Find out more about this wonderful sister, her community, the Franciscans of the Eucharist, and the good work that they do in Chicago. Soon, you will also find on this same blogpost a link to the Chopped! show in which Sr. Alicia won the cooking competition!

Here’s one more “Discernment Tip” Video from Sr. Margaret Michael. This tip is one that I don’t hear too often–and I think it’s a great one! (Hmm…another post for my blog/book.)

 

* * *

Although it’s probably hard to tell, I’ve reached the end of another chapter. This chapter was about “Helps and Obstacles Along the Way of Discernment.” Before I move on to specific moments of discernment (turning points in our lives), are there any other obstacles or helps to discernment that you’d like to see discussed here? Feel free to send me an email or post a comment.

I have only one more pending question to answer: the request for recommendations for books about discernment, since the favorite that I’d recommended has gone out of print. This answer is taking longer because I’m  working on several book reviews, which hopefully I can post soon. So, if you’ve sent me a question and I haven’t it answered it yet, I apologize because I’ve lost it! Please feel free to send it again. I recently reorganized my email, so hopefully I won’t lose any more questions or comments in the future!

Tips for the Discerner

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / Leave a comment

PraySeveral people have sent in questions or comments, which I will be delighted to address tomorrow or Friday. But in the meantime, I have run across a number of wonderful reflections and tips for those who are discerning, and I couldn’t wait to share them with you. Check these out!

From Sr.  Margaret Michael’s video, Discernment Tip #2: He who is the Way will show us the way for our life. Pray! (Check out her video on facebook here on our Daughters of St. Paul Facebook Page–and keep checking back all week!) Actually, if you are discerning religious life, I would recommend you visit the discernment section on our Daughters of Saint Paul website, too. No matter what community you are called to, you will most likely find the discernment tips offered there very helpful. (Yes, I wrote some of the material that you will find there.)  

Sr. Christina Neumann, OSF, who has a lovely blog that offers an “inside view” of religious life from the Franciscan perspective, offers her reflection for how we can all live #NationalVocationAwarenessWeek

The Heart of Mary’s Women’s Fellowship occasionally offers “self-studies” or “mini-retreats.” They recently posted a beautiful nine-day series of Scriptural reflections on call, vocation, and discernment, which you can find here. This series of reflections make a beautiful Scriptural novena with lectio divina for anyone who is seeking to discern how to follow God more closely in their life. 

The Coffee Spoons Blog posted a lovely reflection, “Everything is grace,” about St. Thérèse’s Garden: that living our true vocation is not necessarily living whom we think we’re supposed to be, but whom God calls us to be! St. Therese’s words are a joyful reminder of God’s loving call to us to be ourselves–our best selves.

Tips on How To Quiet Our Minds for Prayer

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / Leave a comment

This week, I want to make sure I respond to your questions!  I know that my responses are often delayed by months, and there are probably a few questions that came to me that I didn’t answer. If you have a burning question about discernment, or specifically about religious life, please email me or add a comment! I will try to be  proactive in the next two months and respond to your questions, either individually or as a post, within a week or so.

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Recently, someone posted a comment to one of my posts about silence. I thought the question was excellent, so I’m reposting the question here, as well as my response.

I was wondering if you had any tips on how to BE silent? Whenever I try to meditate on a reading in silence, or go for a walk, or spend some quiet time in my room to pray, I find my mind instantly wandering to other things. How can I focus quieting my mind, not just my environment?

Entering into silence is often daunting or uncomfortable. Here are a couple of things I did when I first tried to pray silently. Even today, when I’m especially distracted I still go back to some of these, especially #s 1, 3, 4, & 5.

1) Start small. Try to focus your attention for a very short time–maybe 2 to 5 minutes. When your mind wanders (and this happens to all of us!), as soon as you realize it, bring your attention back to what you’re meditating on. Try meditating or praying quietly for 5 minutes a day. After you feel that you are able to focus for about half of that time, increase it to 10 minutes, and so on. Many people pray silently or meditate on the Word of God between 20-30 minutes a day.

2) What time are you choosing to pray? Prayer–especially contemplative prayer–is hard work, so it’s a good idea to find a fairly consistent time when we are quite alert, but not imminently distracted about our responsibilities. This is why early in the morning is a good time to pray for many people; others are able to pray best in the evening–after supper or before bed.

3) If you’re meditating on a reading, choose just one sentence or phrase that “resonates” with you and re-read it slowly several times. What comes to mind as you re-read it? What about this phrase stands out for you? Even if no thoughts or insight arrives, savor the sentence or phrase. Simply spending time with the Word of God and allowing it to enter deep within us can be deep prayer and transformative.

4) Look at the sources or “fonts” of your prayer. If you’re struggling to “quiet” your mind, choose a source that is easier to enter into. The Word of God is the best “font” for our prayer, but different passages are easier than others. For example, it took me several years to learn how to pray with the letters of Saint Paul, while praying with the Gospels–especially with the stories of Jesus healing people–was much easier for me to enter into. Needless to say, I used to pray mostly with the Gospels! Pick a book of the Bible–and the Gospels are ideal–that you can read more easily.

If you’re struggling to read the Bible or if you feel especially distracted, you can pick a spiritual writer that engages you, whom you really like to read. Sometimes another person’s insights can enable us to enter into silence a little more deeply or easily.

5) Talk to God about what you read or are trying to pray with–a spontaneous conversation. If you’re by yourself, you can even talk out loud! Make sure you give God space to respond to you. If you really find it impossible to concentrate, talk to God about what’s on your mind. Once again, after you have opened your heart to the Lord, make sure you take time to listen to his response. You may not “hear” any words or “feel” anything, but even making an act of faith that God is present by listening for him will bear fruit in your day.

6) Choose an environment that enhances your ability to concentrate. For example, try praying in a quiet chapel. If you’re praying in your room, create a simple prayer-corner with a religious image, statue or crucifix, a prayer book, a Bible, and a comfortable chair. If you like to pray outside, pick a beautiful but quiet place. Wherever you choose to pray quietly, use the environment to quiet your mind: focus on the religious image in your room; offer your heart to the Lord as the candle that is burning in the chapel sanctuary; etc. Using beauty or religious imagery to enter into prayer often engages our emotions and enables us to “bypass” our mind’s noisiness and encounter God in our hearts.

* * *

There are so many styles of prayer, and it’s helpful to pray in a variety of ways, depending on what’s going on in our lives, where we are in the moment, how much time we have, and how we feel. Prayer doesn’t always need to be silent or contemplative:

  • Vocal prayer is the easiest way to pray as a community together.
  • Praying amid the bustle of the day is the easiest way to connect with God or stay connected with God. Snatching a moment on a subway commute, praying the Rosary when we’re out for a walk, or making short acts of faith and love while waiting in line at the grocery store are ways that we sanctify our day.
  • But we also need quiet or more focused times when we can have “quality” conversations with God. The quiet in our prayer is important because it helps us develop the habit of listening for God and to encounter God more fully in the depths of our hearts. 

Discernment Tips for National Vocation Awareness Week

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / Leave a comment

Sr. Margaret Michael Gillis, Vocations Director for the Daughters of St. Paul, is offering a daily discernment tip on video for National Vocations Awareness Week. Her first tip is an invitation to pray for vocations, and you may want to check out the rest through the week at the Daughters of St. Paul Facebook Page. (I’ll try to post them here as I can.)

How To Overcome Obstacles in Discerning Consecrated Life & National Vocation Awareness Week

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / 4 Comments

woman-571715_1920This week—from Sunday, November 1 until Saturday, November 7, 2015—is National Vocation Awareness Week. The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops invites us all to dedicate this week to promote vocations specifically to the priesthood, diaconate, and consecrated life through prayer and education, and to renew our prayers and support for those who are considering one of these particular vocations.

With the recent Synod on the Family, the importance for young people to discern and be formed in their vocation to marriage is recognized, but there is one big difference. In our culture, marriage as we understand it as Catholics may be under pressure, but it is still considered a “usual” or “normal” path in life. Whereas ordained and consecrated life are the “hidden” or “forgotten” options for many young people. There could be any number of reasons for this, but in working with young people, I’ve found there’s usually just a few:

  • Out of sight, out of mind. A young person has never truly connected with a young priest, deacon, or religious, and so the thought that he or she could have a similar vocation never comes to mind.
  • Celibate chastity is so counter-cultural in our “do whatever feels right” culture obsessed with pleasure and sex, it’s immediately dismissed as “not possible.”
  • Similarly, the vow of poverty is absurd to someone immersed in the materialistic culture
  • The mistaken belief that true freedom means to be absolutely unencumbered by any form of restraint whatsoever, makes the priestly or religious vows unthinkable: like an unbearable lifetime of captivity.
  • Fear of commitment
  • Fear of unworthiness to be consecrated to God

National Vocation Awareness Week (NVAW) is especially helpful for highlighting consecrated life as a valid vocation to discern; NVAW can also help to address the misunderstandings that people often have about a life consecrated to God’s service. Great joy, beauty, love, and goodness flow from authentically living a priestly, diaconal, or religious vocation.

Of course, the greatest joy and love flow from living one’s own authentic call, so the point of National Vocation Awareness Week is not to put pressure on anyone, but to ensure that the full range of beautiful vocations in the Church are understood,  considered, and discerned.

Through the week, I hope to:

  • Answer the most recent questions about religious life that  have come in. Feel free to email, comment, or tweet me with your questions. (Note: I’m only on Twitter once or twice a day, so to reach me through Twitter, I believe you have to add a period in front of my name: put .@SisterMPaul at the beginning of your tweet, otherwise I might miss your question.)
  • Tweet resources that I discover through the week (and I’ll try to list them on the blog)
  • Highlight resources for nurturing vocations to religious life, priesthood and diaconate in the family, which is ideally the place where one can find the greatest support for discerning and taking the first steps to follow one’s vocation.

In addition, as I mentioned earlier, you can support NVAW in prayer by: downloading reflections for each day, a holy hour that you can pray for vocations this week, and a digital prayer card (PDF) that you can pray with and share, as well as other resources here on the USCCB’s website.

Discerning with Mary, the Mother of Jesus

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / Leave a comment

06_CC Sr Tracy

In Genesis, when God specifically promises to redeem humanity by sending the Savior, he speaks of Mary as “the woman” who is Satan’s enemy and whose Son will overcome the devil definitively. When we cultivate a relationship with Mary, the Mother of Jesus, we draw close not just to Mary but to Jesus. As our Mother, Mary wants us to be united to her Son, and she will clear the way of obstacles for us, most especially the devil’s temptations.

Many saints speak eloquently about Mary’s power over Satan and her ability to lead us to Christ. This is an excerpt from one of my favorite prayers to Mary by Blessed James Alberione:

“O Mary, grant that we may listen to, follow and love Jesus Christ the Divine Master! May sin never stain our souls consecrated to you. Immaculate Virgin, crush the head of that insidious demon of discouragement.

Live in our midst, Mary; blessed are they who dwell in your house.”
– Blessed James Alberione

In his beautiful apostolic letter On the Most Holy Rosary, Pope St. John Paul speaks about our entering into the “school” of Mary because “No one has ever devoted himself to the contemplation of the face of Christ as faithfully as Mary. The eyes of her heart already turned to him at the Annunciation, when she conceived him by the power of the Holy Spirit…. Mary lived with her eyes fixed on Christ, treasuring his every word” (On the Most Holy Rosary, nos. 10 & 11).

Mary is both a wonderful model for our discernment and a powerful intercessor so that we can receive the light of the Holy Spirit in order to “see” or contemplate Christ’s presence in our lives. Mary is not just the Mother of Jesus, but our Mother, too, and her greatest desire is to lead all of her children to her Son. Praying to Mary regularly is life-changing.

Countless Marian prayers and traditions can help us to grow in our relationship with the Blessed Mother. The Rosary is especially fruitful as a prayer to help us grow in a spirit of discernment because when we contemplate Jesus by praying the Rosary, we do so with Mary, the first and truest disciple of Jesus who most closely sought and lived the will of God. When we pray the Rosary, we meditate with Mary on Jesus’ life: how Jesus lived the will of his Father while on earth. We can also meditate on how Mary recognized and responded to God’s invitations in a spirit of faith and obedience. The subjects for meditating on the mysteries of the Rosary are endless.

The saints are eloquent about how devotion to Mary changes our lives. If you are looking for more resources on growing in your relationship with Mary, here is a short list of new titles that introduce devotion to Mary and the Rosary, and a few of the classic books on Mary that foster devotion to her.