Vocational Discernment

Begin Where We Are

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / 1 Comment

Happy little girlAt any point in our journey—especially when we begin or deepen our discernment, it’s important to begin where we are, because God is always “here” with us (wherever “here” is). This is true for two reasons:

1) First, God is faithful and would never abandon us, and

2) Because wherever we find ourselves, God wills or allows us to be here and is at work in our life at this precise time and place. The present moment is where we can find God and do God’s will. “Now is the day of salvation!” Saint Paul reminds us (2 Cor. 6:2)

Beginning where we are can be hard for us if we’re not happy or struggling. It’s easy to recognize God’s presence in the good things in our lives, when we’re happy. It’s harder for some of us to discover God’s presence when we’re struggling, because we think the struggle is an obstacle to God. We may want our “new beginning” to be an escape from the struggles in our life, but it’s more likely that beginning anew will help us to see our challenges in a new way, so that the struggle can become the very thing that helps us draw closer to God. Our worst struggle can actuallyl become a steppingstone to God.

Several years ago, a friend of mine started suffering from a respiratory illness. She repeatedly caught the flu, which lasted for two months and agitated her usually dormant asthma. Used to walking twelve miles a week, she now struggled to walk up one flight of stairs. Some days, breathing took so much effort that she stayed in bed.

For two years, she suffered this illness off and on. At first, the restrictions of her activity agitated and frustrated her. Although she was forced to slow down physically, she continually focused on all of the things she couldn’t do, or had to give up doing. And she’d push herself to get up sooner, to be more active, and then end up sicker than before.

But during the second year, she finally accepted her condition. And when she did, she started seeing possibilities. Being forced to slow down gave her an opportunity to pray, read, and reflect more. She became more present to her family because she wasn’t always rushing off. She started to realize that, whether she was well or ill, she didn’t want to rush around as much as she had been doing. Accomplishing more was not what was most important to her. She had the time to think about what was most important in her life, and to set those as her priorities for both when she was sick and when she got well.

Accepting her illness didn’t just enable my friend to take care of herself and recover, but it also became a gift, an opportunity for her to reset her priorities in life. Her illness became a steppingstone towards discerning a more serene lifestyle.

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To journal with:

What do I have trouble accepting in my life right now?
How might God be inviting me or challenging me to grow through this struggle?

Using a Storytelling Lens in Discerning

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / 1 Comment

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In discerning where God is calling us, it can be helpful to see our lives within this context of God’s Story of Love. In this blog/book, I’d like to continue using the storytelling lens to help us to explore discernment. What are the various elements common to every story?

  • Premise—Our story’s beginning or set up, which includes a story promise that will be fulfilled. In this case, the story promise is made by, and will be fulfilled by, God!
  • Setting—The world and circumstances in which the story takes place
  • Worldview—the perspective from which the story is told. We looked at this earlier, calling it God’s Storyview.
  • Plot—What happens in our story and why (the series of events that take place in the story; the plot could also be called the story)
  • Story Structure — How a story is organized. Whatever the structure, every story always has a beginning, middle, and end.
  • Theme—What our story is really about
  • Characters—Who is in the story
  • Protagonist—The main character of our story; often this is the character who changes the most
  • Antagonist—The character or force that prevents the protagonist from reaching his or her goal
  • Supporting characters: Friend, Rival, Sidekick, Mentor, Trickster, etc.
    (Each character has:

    • Character goal—What the character wants
    • Character need—What the character needs in order to be truly happy or fulfilled. This is often very different from what the character wants
    • Character arc—How the character grows or changes (often interiorly) through the the story

I think there are a lot of parallels between various story elements and certain aspects of discernment. For example, we can look at the concept of “supporting characters” in light of discernment. No discernment happens in a vacuum, and in bigger discernments—such as a vocational discernment—we surely need the support of others. But sometimes we forget this, and we can try to discern all alone. Reflecting on the support we have and the support we need in our discernment can really help us on our discernment journeys.

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To Journal About:

Revisit our “Story Premise”—the truth upon which we base our discernment: Our all-good God loves us and always wants what is good and best for us. How would you re-phrase this for the story of your life?

Our Lives–Part of God’s Story

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / 1 Comment

03B 1 choice (GS) stylizedJesus often told stories. Stories are how we make sense of the world, and they are also how God gives us a sense of his presence in the world.

There are many ways of listening to God. One of the most important is praying with the Scriptures. (Read this easy guide to begin praying with the Scriptures through Lectio Divina.)  Yet many of the saints prayed with a text that was not a book—they prayed with the “book of their life”—all the circumstances that made up their lives. If God truly is everywhere, then wouldn’t he most especially be found in the lives of his beloved ones?

What is your story? How has God been at work in your life? In his book on discernment, Marko Ivan Rupnik says:

“Discernment is the art of the spiritual life in which I understand how God communicates himself to me, how God saves me—and this is the same thing—how God brings about redemption through the life, death, and resurrection of his Son, and how the Holy Spirit communicates to me the salvation won for me by Jesus Christ.  Discernment is an art, therefore, in which the realities in creation, the realities in the persons around me, the realities within me, and the realities in my personal history and history itself cease being mute in order to begin to communicate to me God’s love” (Discernment: Acquiring the Heart of God, p. 17).

Friday Q & A: Should I delay entering religious life when I feel called?

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / Leave a comment

Here are a couple of great questions from another young woman discerning her vocation to religious life:

“It’s been a year since I discovered my call to religious life, and even though I’ve had a few ups and downs, It has mainly been all the time upwards, and I’ve been maturing the idea, thinking it through and everything seemed to work out well.

The things I have to discern about are mainly two. Firstly, I was thinking of entering a congregation next summer (2015) once I was 18. But my family has advised me and asked If I could delay it one or two years in order to be able to experience and live those first years of university outside of the congregation, in a “normal lifestyle”. I am really looking forward to entering and I’m not sure what I should do, experience life and “freedom” and then enter into a congregation or start straight away. It’s something I’m trying to discern. The next decision I have to make is which congregation apply to; the school I’m in is run by nuns, and I’ve always thought that I would like to be one of them…but lately I’ve been wondering if It’s the correct decision or I should look for another one. I like their mission and how they work, I also like the nuns; on the other hand sometimes I feel I don’t agree in certain aspects with them and It would be difficult for me to follow their instructions.

I would really appreciate if you could throw some light into those decisions and help me understand what God wants me to do. Any advice on how to listen to his call and his plans for me would be great.”

First of all, I just want to thank you for your courage in seeking to do God’s will in your life, and I encourage you to continue to be open to the Lord as he calls you!

With regard to your first question about whether to enter after you turn 18 or wait a year or two, there is wisdom in doing both, so it really depends on how God is inviting you in the concrete circumstances of your life. Obviously, if you have already gone through a significant discernment process, and both the community and you feel that God is inviting you to take the next step to enter the community, that is definitely the best choice.

But a significant discernment process requires a number of elements, just a few of which I’ll list here:

  • Taking the time to prayerfully discern God’s will in a way that you are not rushed or pressured. Above all, this means sufficient maturity, interior freedom from expectations, pressures, etc., and freedom from external pressures (such as financial, security, etc.)
  • Accompaniment by a spiritual director
  • A full understanding of what religious life entails
  • Dialogue (or discussion) with close family and friends
  • Discerning which community you are going to enter—which usually means visiting at least two other communities besides the one you plan to enter
  • Getting to know the community you are planning to enter well with (ideally) several live-in experiences of a weekend to a week—not just for you to get to know them, but for them to get to know you.
  • After making a decision, taking the time to evaluate it and continue to pray with it.

This can take six months…but it can also take two or three years. It requires an attentiveness not just to external events, but to the ways the Holy Spirit is working within the person discerning.

Since we are seeking God’s will in our discernment, if we truly discover it is God’s will that we enter sooner rather than waiting a year, then that is best.  But there are good reasons to wait for a year or even two:

  • To make sure our discernment isn’t rushed; to more fully understand and purify our own motivations so that our decision is fully free
  • To journey with our family and friends in our discernment when possible, so that they can be at peace and continue to support us on our journey
  • To be ready for the transition and challenges that we will face as we enter religious life
  • To discern well to which community we are called, and to get to know it well. (We are not called to “generic” religious life, but to a particular community. If we only visit one community, we may not realize whether the attraction is for religious life in general, or for that particular community.)
  • To grow in maturity to be ready to give a fuller gift of ourselves when we enter

Growing in maturity can include living certain life experiences. For example, if a young person has just turned 18 and has led a very sheltered life and never lived away from home nor had any experience in ministry, that might be a situation where gaining some life experience would enrich her discernment or clarify it (e.g. spend a year studying or working, being more involved in her parish or another form of ministry). This is not so that she experiences the “freedom” of doing her own thing, but so that her discernment is colored less by a decision to leave home for the first time and more about how God is calling her. But it depends on each young person’s circumstances. I entered the convent as a teenager with relatively little life experience and I have no regrets: I was eager to get started in my new life! But I know others whose time after entrance would have been easier if they had waited a year to enter. Every situation and every person is unique. And the requirements of each community are different as well. The important question is: How might God be inviting you through your circumstances?

We’re always seeking God’s will…and if we’re not sure of the course of action, it can be wiser not to rush in. But when we are discerning a big step such as entering religious life, we also want to make sure that we’re not using a good reason as an excuse to delay.

For your second question about which community to apply to, I think answering that question may influence the length of time you feel you need to discern. You could be called to the community which has taught you for years; but it’s also possible that you are simply drawn to their goodness and consecration, and you need to find the community to which God is calling you.

A lot of information is available online about different communities’ missions and spiritualities. (For those in the USA, www.vocationnetwork.org is a great resource for many communities! For those in Canada, www.vocations.ca is a great online resource.) You might want to spend some time browsing these sites and see where it leads you. Pick a few communities that attract you and research them. Email them with questions you have. Then, when you’ve narrowed your choices down, make arrangements to visit a couple of them—I’d recommend at least two; perhaps even three. Every religious community is made up of human beings—none of them are perfect!—so what you’re looking for is a community where you feel at home, living a lifestyle where you feel God is calling you to follow him more closely.

I hope this is helpful! You will be very much in my prayers as you continue your discernment!

The Story of God’s Saving Love

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / 2 Comments

Young Preschooler Reading A BookI love stories. I can’t remember how old I was when I finally started to read “real books” on my own (readers with big type weren’t “real” books), but once I started, I couldn’t stop. One summer, my mom got so tired of telling me to stop reading and go play with my brothers and sisters, that she made a rule: I could read only one book a day. I was devastated until I decided that I would live according to the spirit (not the letter) of the rule: I would read only two books a day. I’m sure some bibliophiles will understand that this compromise was still a big sacrifice for me.

But my love for stories is not the only reason I chose to look at discernment through the lens of storytelling. Storytelling is a helpful framework for exploring discernment because we often see patterns in our lives as stories. We seek to give meaning to the events in our lives by looking at them as part of a larger story. While it’s possible to see our days and weeks as if they are made up of discrete, disconnected events, when we step back to look over our lives, we group different events together, giving them a context or a framework that connects them to a larger purpose or meaning: the story of our lives.

When I first started studying theology, I was impressed that my teachers would repeatedly talk about the centuries of biblical times as salvation history. With eyes of faith, the history of the world—the World’s Story—must also be salvation history, and I think we will recognize in heaven that all of earth’s history is one big revelation of God’s saving love for all humanity. And all of our unique and individual stories will fit within the overarching Story of God’s saving love.

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To Journal:

Do I intuitively look at my life as a story?

How do I see events in my daily life? As random, fragmented, disconnected events? Or as a series of events that are leading towards something? Why?

Friday Discernment Q & A: What’s It Like To Enter a Convent?

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / Leave a comment

For those of you who have sent in questions, thank you for your patience! For now, Friday will be a Q & A day. Feel free to email me your questions, or contact me through the blog’s contact page.

530am Beach and Sunrise 049A young woman who was recently accepted into a community and will enter the convent in nine months asked the following.

“I’m interested in any tips or stories you have for either of these two things: 1. the upcoming months of saying goodbye/getting rid of material things/getting increasingly excited and probably lots of other emotions  (I bet there are some good stories here!) and 2. what does discernment look like once you’re in the convent? I’m sure it’s different for each community and individual but it’s just been interesting taking this ‘big step’ but also knowing that God could just be calling me to the convent for a time (though I do think He is calling me forever). Is it normal to assume that I’ll be there forever, or do you think there’s prudence in speaking of it as ‘the next step’ on a long journey?  I’ve just been curious about that…how does one look at the vocation once they’ve been accepted or once they’re in the order?”

Congratulations on your acceptance! You will be in my prayers—and I suspect in the prayers of all those who read this post. Since you asked a few different questions, I’ll split my answer into two parts.

The months between acceptance and entrance into a religious congregation are just as you describe: a whirlwind of emotions. For me, I experienced the dizzying joy of God’s profound love for me in inviting me to take the next step toward an exclusive, spousal relationship with him; I was also looking forward to an adventure that would be filled with the support of a loving community. Overall, I had so enjoyed visiting the sisters that at the end of each visit when it came time to go home, I didn’t want to leave. A couple people told me that after I’d made the decision to enter, they could see me “glow,” I was so happy. (A funny footnote here: I was so thrilled to enter that I actually became excited when my mom and I bought the un-stylish black “nun” shoes I was supposed to wear as a postulant. Definitely not the kind of shoe I was used to wearing.)

Alternating with the incredible joy, I experienced great fear: fear of the unknown; fear of the sacrifices I knew I’d be making, fear of being asked to do something I didn’t enjoy or couldn’t do, fear that I might not “measure up” to being a religious and the expectations of the sisters.

In addition to my fears, I very much dreaded the separation from my family. Until I made the decision to enter, I shared my discernment journey with just a few close family members. Telling my family that I was entering the convent was not easy. Almost everyone was supportive, but a couple of times I was surprised by remonstrances or regrets from a close family member–someone I’d been sure would understand. While I didn’t expect everyone to be supportive, it was harder than I expected when someone close to me didn’t understand or agree with my decision.

In looking back in those months before I entered, two things gave me great joy and/or peace:

  • In discerning my vocation and in the aftermath of experiencing such a strong joy and peace by which God confirmed my decision to enter, God communicated such tremendous love for me that it was easier to trust that God would be with me every step of my journey. The whole experience of being called and so greatly loved really strengthened me through my fears. (And this joy has continued to be strengthen me throughout my journey as a sister.)
  • My greatest fear and source of suffering before I entered the convent was leaving my family. My vocation director encouraged me to remember two things: a) Leaving home was part of growing up, so eventually I would leave home even if I didn’t enter the convent now; and b) God would take care of my family better than I could, and our love would continue to grow. It helped that I knew that my congregation encourages us to stay in touch with our families, to call and write regularly. Now, with the internet that’s even easier. I truly believe that God blesses my sacrifice of leaving my family to dedicate my life to him by sending special blessings on my loved ones.

In many ways, my vocation to become a sister has shaped my relationships with my loved ones. Especially when I’m sent to carry out our mission in a place far away from my family, my less-frequent visits home become very focused and conversations can go deep—we talk about the important things because we may not have the luxury of another long conversation for a while. So, despite often living far from my family and missing the daily details, I’ve still been able to stay close.

“Old Fashioned” Movie: Dating as Discernment!

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / Leave a comment

For those discerning their vocation, and those specifically discerning marriage, Old Fashioned, the new film being released this Valentine’s Day weekend, is an interesting choice. The film presents an alternative approach to dating that doesn’t just respect each person as made in the image of God, but is also unambiguous in seeing dating as an essential part of vocational discernment! (Yes, even a first date is an opportunity to discern!)

For my commentary about the film, visit the Pauline blog: The Art of Being “Old Fashioned.”  Enjoy the trailer posted below, and if you feel like a quirky romantic comedy this weekend, support the filmmakers (and hopefully more Christian films) by going to see it in the theater.

 

Discernment: a Matter of Trust & Retreat with #MediaNuns

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / Leave a comment

 

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One of my favorite quotes about discernment from Father Rupnik’s book, Discernment: Acquiring the Heart of God, reminding us that discernment is all about trust: discovering that God first trusts us, and then entrusting ourselves to God to lead us.

 

And for young women looking for an opportunity to discern with my wonderful community, the Daughters of Saint Paul, known on Twitter as #MediaNuns, this is a shout-out for our  Holy Week Retreat that will be held at our large convent in Boston, MA:
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California Soul of Christ Talks & Book-signings

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / Leave a comment

For those in California, I just wanted to let you know I’m visiting on a book promotion tour for the next two weeks. If you can, join me–I love meeting those discerning and readers of my books and blogs! I’m posting up the events below. As you know, Eucharistic adoration is one of the best ways to pray when you are making a discernment!

San Francisco Area:

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Los Angeles Area (Culver City): 

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San Diego:

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What are you discerning?

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / Leave a comment

02 D (me)In light of God’s Storyview (see several previous posts),  let’s break down/explore the first key to an authentic discernment, which answers a key discernment question:

What can we discern?

When I first saw the great classic film, The Godfather, I was riveted by the core dramatic question: Was the younger son Michael Corleone going to become the next padrone? The film brilliantly explores moral choice; how one chooses what one will do with one’s life, including the complexity of intentions; the responsibility of those surrounded by an evil that has become systematized; the attractiveness of evil disguised as protecting one’s family; the insidious process of corruption from within. But as brilliant an exploration of good and evil this film is, The Godfather is never about discernment, because becoming part of the mafia is aligning one’s self with evil, and is thus a choice for evil, no matter what a person’s intentions are.

If a choice involves an option that is sinful, it’s not a situation where we need to discern God’s will. Instead, it’s a situation in which we need to pray for the wisdom to make a good moral decision and for the moral strength to resist temptation and respond to God’s grace.

Very often when Catholics hear the word “discern,” they associate it with vocational discernment, e.g., a person seeking to discover whether their vocation is to marriage, single life, consecrated life, or priesthood. (Or in some cases, a combination of two.)

Vocational state is a great example of what to discern because all the states in life are inherently good. Discernment is always between good things. God, who is Truth, Goodness, and Beauty, is always going to invite us to truth, goodness, and beauty. God cannot contradict himself; God’s will for us can never be something morally wrong.

One of my favorite movies about discernment is Amazing Grace, the story of two crises (and two discernments) in the life of William Wilberforce, an Englishman who dedicated his life to end slavery in Great Britain. If you have the opportunity, I encourage you to see the film using the “lens” of discernment. Several principles of discernment that we’ll look at here on this blog are well depicted in the movie, which I will highlight and reflect on in a later (soon to come!) “Discernment @ the Movies” guide.

Pen_UncappedTo Journal About:

  • What difficult moral choices am I facing in my life? What can I do to gain the wisdom and strength to make a good decision?
  • What in my life do I want or need to discern? What are the “goods” that I am discerning between?