Vocational Discernment

A True Story: Discerning During Midlife

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / Leave a comment

A few years ago, a wonderful wife and mother named Catherine came to see me.

dawn-nature-sunset-woman

Catherine is a loving and generous woman who has inspired the many people at her parish who know her. She constantly seeks God’s will amidst the usual and sometimes unusual challenges of married life, and puts herself at the service of the needs of her parish. But recently, she underwent a particular experience of change, accompanied by darkness: her children were growing up and leaving home and didn’t seem to need her as much; her relationship with her husband felt routine; her daily life gave her little satisfaction. At one point, Catherine confided to a friend, “I was attracted to religious life when I was younger, and being a sister is so much more peaceful and holy. Maybe I missed my vocation. What if God really called me to religious life?”

This thought that she might have “missed” her vocation was a scary one for Catherine (and for anyone serious about seeking God’s will–more on that later). However, because she still had commitments to her husband and children, it was clear that God’s will for Catherine was to continue in her vocation as a loving mother and wife. If Catherine had indeed chosen a path other than what God originally willed for her, God’s will for her at his point in her life was clear: to continue in her vocational commitments. Her doubts were almost certainly not a call to switch vocations in midlife. But at her age, repeatedly experiencing these doubts could be an important part of Catherine’s midlife journey: she may have needed to re-evaluate certain decisions and how she was living her vocation. Rather than something to discourage or scare her, Catherine could use these troubling questions as an invitation to reflect on her life, bringing them to prayer and spiritual direction.

When we talked together, I encouraged Catherine to consider these possibilities:

A) It was possible her doubts were a temptation, especially because the doubts seemed to be making Catherine lose some of her interior peace. Perhaps the devil wanted to distract this loving, goodhearted woman from her true vocation—that of being a loving mother and wife. By putting the “holier” life of a religious sister on a pedestal and entertaining doubts about her own vocational discernment, Catherine could have been letting the devil gain a foothold in her thoughts, blurring her perception of the unique beauty of her call and gradually weakening her commitment to her vocation.

Instead of allowing these doubts to distract her, Catherine could use them as an opportunity to recommit more deeply to her life of self-giving love as a mother and wife, perhaps discerning new ways in which she can express her love in her changing situation.

B) Catherine might have been going through a time of desolation where, through her doubts and longing for “more,” God was inviting her to purify her motivations and deepen how she lives her true vocation. Catherine could take time to examine how she was living her vocation and how she could grow in her call to love as a wife and mother.

C) Perhaps God was inviting Catherine to dig deeper into what attracted her about religious life. Catherine’s feelings of dissatisfaction could have been reflecting a desire placed in her by God for greater union and intimacy with him—something that she previously thought was reserved only for sisters. God could have been using her feelings of desolation to call her to a deeper spiritual life of union with him. Perhaps deep within her restless longing, God was calling Catherine to offer herself to him in a special way: for example, in a particular ministry or consecrated lay institute.

Every person’s individual experience and discernment has specific details that God uses to lead them. Catherine never shared the fruits of her prayer after we talked, but she chose to continue in her vocation of love. She is now a happily devoted grandmother.

What If I Don’t Make the Right Decision?

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / Leave a comment
"The Scream by Edvard Munch, 1893 - Nasjonalgalleriet" by Edvard Munch - [1]. Licensed under Public Domain via Commons - https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:The_Scream_by_Edvard_Munch,_1893_-_Nasjonalgalleriet.png#/media/File:The_Scream_by_Edvard_Munch,_1893_-_Nasjonalgalleriet.png

The Scream by Edvard Munch, 1893 – Nasjonalgalleriet

In discerning God’s will for us in ways that will shape our future in a big way, it’s easy to become anxious about making “the right” decision. If we find ourselves so afraid of making the wrong choice that, even after taking significant time to discern, we swing like pendulums back and forth from one choice to the other, discounting the experience and insights we have gained thus far in our discernment, then we might need to “lighten up” on the pressure and the scruples: we need to take ourselves less seriously and trust more that God is guiding us. Here are a couple of things that might help us to think about our discernment in a new, less-anxious way that takes the focus off of ourselves and puts it back on God:

Define “the right decision” that we are so concerned about making. Are we truly concerned that we are doing God’s will, or are we afraid of making a mistake? Making a mistake doesn’t mean we aren’t seeking God’s will. In fact, never making a mistake means that we are probably not taking enough risks in our discipleship of Christ.

Often the bigger the decision, the more small steps it takes to implement it. Each of these small steps gives us an opportunity to test out and affirm our conviction that this is God’s will for us. For example, if we are discerning whether to go back to school, there is an application process that will help resolve our doubts. And, at any point in the process, we can stop or change direction.

Have we created a false timeline or expectations about our discernment? If we honestly cannot hear God’s invitation in the particular regard we are discerning, maybe we are missing what we are supposed to be discerning about. Truly seeking God’s will often brings about a certain interior peace. If instead we find ourselves growing in anxiety, perhaps instead of discerning our vocation, God is inviting us to be more active in our  parish, and we need to discern how to do that. Talking about our expectations for the results of our discernment with a spiritual director at this point could be very helpful.

Especially if we have been discerning for a significant amount of time and we feel stuck (we don’t feel we are making progress), we can deliberately take a break away from this particular discernment. (This would be something to talk over ahead of time with our spiritual director.) For several weeks, we don’t allow ourselves to think about it at all. At the end of this time, we can evaluate our experience. Beyond a sense of relief, what was our experience during this time?

1) If we experienced a sense of newness, light, and joy while taking a break from discerning, then we may need to make a major shift in either what we are discerning, or how we are discerning. Discernment is seeking the will of God. Although parts of the process can be painful and difficult—especially in facing our motivations—discernment is ultimately meant to bring us to a greater freedom, peace, and joy.

2) If, instead, the break filled you with new conviction and clarity to continue discerning, then you can continue discerning with a renewed focus.

Whatever the fruits of our “break,” we will want to bring them to our spiritual director.

How to discern with a ticking clock?

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / Leave a comment

dramatic-sky-210776_1280Every good story has key turning points in which the rest of the protagonist’s life is affected. Turning points in our lives are usually, but not always, recognizable. In BBC’s Sherlock, a recent retelling of Arthur Conan Doyle’s detective stories, Dr. Watson’s decision to become roommate to the enigmatic Sherlock Holmes is the definitive turning point upon which Dr. Watson’s entire future is based, although Watson certainly did not know that at the time. (It changes Sherlock’s life profoundly, too, although he is slower to admit it—see season 3.) In storytelling, turning points are characterized by their importance in affecting characters’ lives, whether they know it or not.

What about when we do know that a decision will shape the rest of our life? How do we navigate the tensions and challenges of making such an important decision when we face specific constraints? Constraints like:

  • a ticking clock (we have to choose a course of study before the semester starts; we have 48 hours to accept a new job; etc.),
  • the needs or expectations of family members,
  • the reality that saying “yes” to one thing is saying “no” to everything else–and some “no’s” we can’t take back.

Constraints may seem more pressing in larger discernments, but they are part of every discernment, to be impartially looked at, prayed over, and evaluated as part of our seeking God’s will.

It’s true that bigger decisions can bring greater pressure and often greater time constraints, which also means that it can be harder to enter into the quiet necessary for us to hear God’s gentle invitations, or discover our deeper desires. It can also be harder to detach from external pressures, and even to evaluate which of our desires are ego-driven and which resonate with our deeper desire to do God’s will.

In these situations, we have several choices:

1) Evaluate external constraints that put pressure on us to make a quick decision: are they real or are they unnecessary pressures? For example, we may feel pressure to rush to select our major area of study at a certain point. Is this the expectation of parents, teachers, customs, or school? Is it our own expectation or goal, or is it a real requirement of the program? If it is a real requirement, can we ask for an extension? Is there a possibility of changing it later?

Others’ expectations can seem to be a real constraint, but most often they can—and need—to be put aside in order to discern well. If the external constraints are not real, then we can take the time we need to discern.

On the other hand, sometimes constraints are real. In this case, we still have choices.

2) Delay when possible. Sometimes we may feel so pressured that we can tell we’re not thinking clearly; we feel muddled, unable to gain the interior detachment to freely make a choice. If this is the case, and there is any way to delay our decision so that we have the time to pray over and discern our choice, this is a good time to delay. However, this doesn’t mean to simply avoid the issue altogether.

(Deciding to make no decision at all until after the deadline has passed is not discerning. Instead, we are making a negative decision. Rather than prayerfully discerning as best we can, we are simply saying “no,” turning away from the opportunity in front of us. This is not real discernment.)

If the time constraints are firm and unavoidable, then we simply move forward to make the best decision we can:

3) Do the best we can within the limits placed on us. We are only human, and God knows our strengths and weaknesses, and will work with us in our limitations.

One thing we can do is to actually use the time and energy we have to focus on discerning. Sometimes we become so frantic that we don’t take the time and opportunities we actually have. Put aside other, less urgent activities and make space—even small amounts of space—to discern. Make a half day of retreat; go to make a Eucharistic hour of adoration after work; take a long walk; put aside a couple of errands so that you have time to talk over your discernment with a trusted mentor.

The key in dealing with external constraints is to examine each pressure to see if it’s valid and to give each one only as much importance as it truly deserves.

It’s important that we discern as best we can. If external limitations make a rapid decision necessary, we trust that God will be faithful to his love for us, and will work through our limitations and deepest desires, as he always does. Trust is essential in every discernment: to place ourselves and our future in God’s loving hands.

Key Moments To Discern

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / Leave a comment

pexelnature-sky-sunset-manWhat are some of the key moments in our life when we might want to pay special attention to discernment? Any time we are going though a big change. Some of these big changes include: the death of a loved one, moving, financial crisis, job loss or change, physical illness, changes in the lives of our closest loved ones (e.g. children leave home, a spouse retires, etc.), changes in our roles or responsibilities, etc.

Changes, whether they seem good or bad, can be are stressful. We may have to learn a lot in a hurry, let go of what we treasure, or develop new attitudes, new routines or ways of doing things. Change offers opportunities for growth and new perspectives, but change can also be overwhelming, anxiety-producing, exhausting, and confusing. Even gradual changes—such as aging—can suddenly make a difference in our day-to-day lives. (For example, a sudden flare-up of arthritis can permanently change our exercise routine. Or a last child leaving home can leave an empty hole in our lives.) Changes that may seem small to others can still have a huge influence on our lives, in terms of stress, adjustment, and routine.

Big moments of change are wonderful opportunities for discernment, which is why it can be so helpful to bring an attitude of discernment to them. Change tends to surprise us with its unfamiliarity and can help us to see things in new ways. Change can open us up to possibilities that we previously might now have recognized. The stress that accompanies change can also make living in a spirit of discernment more difficult.

Paying attention in change

We can bring the spiritual art of discernment with us into the times of bigger change in our lives.

—Change is an opportunity to grow in trust in God. Whatever is new or different can “shake us up.” Change is almost always accompanied by a new perspective and some anxiety. Look for God’s presence and love in the unexpected, in the new, and in the painful.

—Change is also an opportunity to stretch and grow. Try to be open to new insights, new invitations from God.

—Change can also be an opportunity to shift our focus from one thing to another. As we pray about where and how God is calling us in whatever is changing for us, be prepared to let go.

—The stress of going through certain changes can cause us to lose sleep. Our feelings may be more intense and we may react more strongly than usual. Just at the time when we feel the need for more prayer and quiet, we find we have less time. But in times of stress and change, it’s even more important to carve out some moments of quiet prayer every day. We can’t let the chaos of change distract us from our relationship with God. If we truly need to, we can take less time to pray, but we will still want to work in some short times of prayer daily, and be faithful to a longer time of prayer each week.

The next post will talk about dealing with specific constraints, such as deadlines and others’ expectations, with spiritual freedom.

Best Attitude for “Big” Discernments: Do Not Be Afraid!

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / Leave a comment

Loantaka_Brook_Reservation_bikeway_horse_path_and_stream_and_reflectionsLiving in a spirit of discernment is a wonderful spiritual attitude to cultivate and grow in daily. One of the benefits of living with a discerning heart is that, when the time comes to make a big decision in our lives, we have the tools of discernment at hand to help us discover God’s will for us.

(Just a note: if you are jumping into this blog/book and starting directly here because you are in the midst of a big discernment, you may wish to go back and read a couple earlier posts, especially “Four Essentials Principles for Discernment,” which give a context to the exploration of specific kinds of discernment that follows.)

In books and classes about writing, writers are taught how every good story has key moments, or turning points, when the protagonist must make a choice that will change the direction of the entire story.

In our lives, we have—or will come to—the same kind of moments. Choosing a course of study, taking a new job, finding a place to live, following our vocation, committing to our marriage partner, or any other big change in our lives—these are key turning points that will affect our lives from this point on. As disciples of Christ, we want to seek God’s will at these important moments. But how do we do that?

Growing in our relationship with God and living in a spirit of discernment are the best long-term preparation we can make, but there are also concrete things we can do in the short-term that will help us at these key moments of life. Additional concerns or constraints bind us in these moments, especially when we are facing a big decision that could require big changes. In these next few posts, we’ll look at turning points of our lives, and then specifically at vocational discernment, since discerning our vocation is likely one of the most important discernments we will ever make.

* * *

Pope St. John Paul II often repeated Jesus’ words, “Do not be afraid!” We do not need to be afraid because, if we are seeking God’s will, God will guide us. In the Scriptures, God might seem to withdraw from his people but only to teach them a lesson. God never actually abandons his people who seek him. Certainly if we are trying to live God’s plan for us, God will be with us, giving us all the help that we need. We can take courage, knowing that God has a loving plan for us. When we are in the midst of the stress of making a big decision, the most important attitude to have is trust in the Lord. As we allow the Lord’s love for us to banish our fear, we become even more free to hear clearly God’s loving call.

Discernment Resources: For Further Reading

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / Leave a comment

Several months ago, a reader noted that my favorite book about discernment, Discernment: Acquiring the Heart of God by Marko Ivan Rupnkik, SJ, is no longer available. Sadly, this is true—even used copies are quite expensive! None of the books I am going to recommend here—and there are many good ones—quite replace Father Rupnik’s book in scope and depth in one volume. However, there are some great resources out there that you can read (while waiting for my book, based on this blog, of course!)

frtimsmallerFather Timothy Gallagher, OMV, shares his expertise on discernment and Ignatian spirituality in a style that is both lucid and deep. He is by far my favorite author on discernment! Father’s story-driven style makes it easy to understand how to apply Ignatian principles to our own lives, even when he is exploring more complex material. All of his books are excellent and helpful for growing in the spiritual art of discernment. The first book that I’d recommend is:

discerningthewillofgod_178.246Discerning the Will of God: An Ignatian Guide to Decision Making
by Father Timothy M. Gallagher, OMV
A wonderful source of practical wisdom for seeking God’s will, based on the writings of St. Ignatius of Loyola. Full of examples and stories, Father Timothy Gallagher makes the wisdom of Saint Ignatius of Loyola accessible to the everyday person. In this book, he goes through Ignatius’s three “modes” of discernment, which are extremely helpful for us to see how God works in our lives in different ways. Not only does Father take us through the process of discerning in each mode, he begins the book by spending a significant amount of time showing us how to prepare to discern: the “foundation” of God’s loving will for us, an openness to God’s will, and the means to use in our preparation, such as the Eucharist, the Word of God, and spiritual direction.

If you’re looking for another, deeply Ignatian perspective on much of the material covered here in this blog, Discerning the Will of God is a great choice. (Available at any Pauline Books & Media Center in the USA or Toronto, Canada, and online at frtimothygallagher.org)

Awareness that God has created us out of love and ceaselessly offers that love us; a consequent thirst for communion of wills with the one who so deeply loves us; the consciousness that each of us can say with John Henry Newman, ‘He has committed some work to me which He has not committed to another’; the desire to live like Jesus who always did the will of the One who sent him: This is the foundation of discernment. – Discerning the Will of God: An Ignatian Guide to Christian Decision Making, pp. 29-30

discernmentofspirits_178.246The Discernment of Spirits: An Ignatian Guide to Everyday Living
by Father Timothy M. Gallagher, OMV
The Discernment of Spirits takes a deeper look at discernment by exploring the Rules of Discernment developed by St. Ignatius of Loyola, which are foundational to living Ignatian spirituality. This material is more complex than Discerning the Will of God, but Father Timothy makes it accessible through his clear explanations and examples of contemporary stories. A good follow-up to the previous book for those interested in going deeper into discerning God’s will in daily life, and how God helps us to discern through desolation and consolation. I highly recommend The Discernment of Spirits, which the website states is Father’s most popular book.

Father Gallagher has  written a number of other books on Ignatian spirituality—including books on the Examen prayer, on praying with the Word of God, and further exploring of Ignatius’s Rules of Discernment He wisely provides a guide to all six of his books on Ignatian spirituality, which you can find by scrolling down this page: frtimothygallagher.org/books.

called-to-lifeCalled to Life by Father Jacques Philippe
This small book that provides a solid foundation for discerning one’s vocation and for discernment in every day life, especially developing our relationship with God, God’s desire for our happiness, our vocation as human beings, and listening to the call of God in the Word of God. This is a good start for someone on the path of discernment. Father Jacques Phillippe is a priest in the Community of the Beatitudes, and has become popular both in his accessible writings and retreats.

Every authentic vocation is a calling to live ever more fully. We should be wary of callings that may mask refusal to engage life, fear of love, flight from the body or feelings, or a lack of acceptance of human existence as it is. Accepting one’s calling should mean choosing a more intense, abundant way of life, not fear-driving flight, or a disguised choice of death, as can happen with some poorly discerned religious commitments.  – Called to Life, pp. 24-25

HeSpeaksToYouHe Speaks to You by Sr. Helena Burns, FSP
A daily meditation book that assists young women to enter into a daily conversation with Jesus about their lives, according to themes that draw the reader ever deeper into a personal relationship with Jesus. Monthly themes include: His Love, His Life, His Cross, His Will, His Family, His Majesty, His Ways, etc. The month of April (His Will), is dedicated to discernment, vocation and freedom. Sister Helena is a sister of my community, the Daughters of Saint Paul, and, in addition to her wonderful media work and her frequent presentations on the Theology of the Body, she has also dedicated years to assisting young women in discerning their call in life.

(From Jesus): My written word is your sure guide. It is enlightenment, consolation, and most of all, My love letter to you.

‘Thy word is a lamp to my feet and light to my path’ (Psalm 119:105).

God is always communicating. Always. If we can’t hear Him, perhaps we need to open our ears a little more! Perhaps we don’t like what He says and so we look for a different word from Him. Thus, He seems silent. The Apostle John says that all the books in the world couldn’t hold what God has done (and is doing and saying right now)!

‘I know the plans I have for you…to give you a future and a hope’ (Jer. 29:11). What clues do you have from God’s word about your future?

Dear Jesus, even Your “hard sayings” are good news because they have the power to heal and redeem me. Help me always experience Your word as good, helping me see the big picture. – He Speaks to You, p. 98 (April 5)

Two more titles that you might find helpful are:

The Art of Discernment: Making Good Decisions in Your World of Choices by Stefan Kiechle
A basic, practical, and easy-to-use book about discernment that is focused on decision-making. The approach is Ignatian and includes  many quotes from people in discernment or in the middle of making a decision.

Close to the Heart: A Practical Approach to Personal Prayer by Margaret Silf
Author Margaret Silf writes about Ignatian spirituality and Christian prayer for the every day person, from a “real life” perspective. Along with prayer, discernment is beautifully covered in this book that helps the reader who is just starting out in the spiritual life to grow in their relationship with Christ. (Note: Although Margaret Silf no longer considers herself Catholic but Christian, her way of making Ignatian spirituality accessible for the everyday person is still widely regarded.)

Will My Family Disapprove If I Discern Consecrated Life?

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / 2 Comments

Ferguson Slide by Eeekster (own work) [CC by 3.0]

One response that came up high in the results of the poll, What’s the Biggest Obstacle to Considering Consecrated Life, was a written-in answer that had a common thread:

  • Fear of what others (especially family) will think of me
  • Fear of disappointing family or parents
  • Fear of disapproval or lack of understanding

All of these answers are about what others think and expect of us, especially family and loved ones. This fear is very understandable. But, being overly concerned or fearful about others’ opinions impinges on our freedom to discern. Yet in our discernments we are to consult with those who know us well. How are we supposed to take into account our family’s and friends’ advice when we are discerning something that they don’t expect, such as an unusual vocational choice? Should we even consult them?

Several Factors To Consider
1) Discerning our vocation is sacred, and if we truly feel that we might be called to religious life or priesthood, it’s important to discern it without letting our families’ or friends’ opinions prevent us from doing so. Our vocation is a sacred calling that is too important to let the resistance or disapproval of family and friends stand in the way of even exploring it. This doesn’t make it easy. But it is very freeing to seek our true calling, and if God is calling us to religious life or priesthood, he will give us the grace to work through our fears and all other obstacles.

2) When we are discerning, the people we seek advice from should above all be living a spiritual life, otherwise they may not understand or be able to support us in seeking God’s will. (Other qualities, such as wisdom and knowing us well, are helpful. But above all, they must also desire that we follow God’s will.)

3) Seeking advice or counsel is not the same as seeking approval. In consulting others, we are looking for greater knowledge and insight about ourselves, our situation, and how God is inviting us, but we are not seeking to please the person we are consulting with.

4) To know our fears when we discern is really helpful because fear can help us to reflect and to bring our discernment to prayer. However, fear in itself is not a sufficient motivation to decide whether or not to discern something, especially when it’s something as important as a vocation. Instead, we can make our fear part of our discernment by exploring why we are afraid, and then, offering our fears to the Lord and moving forward.

If we feel the need to discern something which we know someone important in our life (such as a parent or friend) is probably going to disapprove, then we need to seek greater interior freedom. Becoming free is the hardest part of discerning! In these cases, it is really important to detach ourselves from others’ opinions about our discernment, so that we don’t allow fear to control us and so that we can more freely listen to God’s invitation. This detachment is often a gradual journey that happens as we discern and God’s call becomes clearer to us.

Sorting Through Others’ Opinions
Sorting through others’ opinions—whether favorable or unfavorable to our discernment—can sometimes be helpful in detaching ourselves from them. We may want to ask ourselves a few questions:

A) Why do we think they would oppose a particular decision? Are we just unsure, or are we pretty certain that they will be disappointed? Will the lack of support be permanent, or is it just that what we are discerning is new, and they will need time to get used to the idea?

B) If we are pretty sure that this person(s) will not understand or be disappointed in our decision, do we know why? For example, some parents are hesitant about their daughter becoming a sister because they think they will never see her again, and they love their daughter and want to stay close to her. (Different congregations have different practices about their sisters visiting their families, so this particular concern may not even be real.) At other times, a parent might resist a child trying to follow a certain career (such as becoming an actor or an artist) because they know how hard it is to earn a living in the arts, and they want their child to have security.

These kinds of questions can help us to see past our own fears into the real concerns of our loved ones—concerns that we need to think about and perhaps address with them, if and when we tell them about our discernment.

Discerning Our Vocation Is Sacred
Ideally, we’d want to share our vocational discernment at least in part with our family, because we want our family’s understanding and support throughout our life. But sometimes a parent or family member will be so resistant to a particular vocation that we simply need to wait to tell them about it until after we have completed our discernment.

Our vocation is a sacred calling that is too important to let the resistance or disapproval of family and friends stand in the way. Countless priests, brothers, and sisters had to go against their parents’ wishes to follow their vocation. (The family of Saint Thomas Aquinas’s family kidnapped and imprisoned him to prevent him from following his vocation in the Dominican Order.) This is not an easy path to walk, but if we possess sufficient maturity and have discerned well, it is more important to follow God’s call than to give in to our family’s opinions. Jesus himself called his disciples to leave their parents and families behind to follow him.

St. John Paul II had this to say about following one’s vocation:

“Do not be afraid of the radicalness of Christ’s demands, because Jesus, who loved us first, is prepared to give himself to you, as well as asking of you. If he asks much of you, it is because he knows you can give much.”                                                                                                                – Sept. 8, 1992

Photo credit: Ferguson Slide by Eeekster (own work) used under Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 license

Free To Discern

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / Leave a comment

06P pixabay 3As an American, I consider freedom to be hugely important. How important to you is your freedom? Who is the freest person you know? How would you define freedom?

* * *

Freedom is not doing whatever we want, without any consequences. Unfortunately, this is often how people think of it today. Earlier in this blog in the Lectio Divina: Free in Christ, I tried to start unpacking what true freedom really is:

Sometimes we equate freedom with a lack of external constraints–such as rules, or walls, or consequences. But true freedom is really about a lack of inner constraints–from unhealthy attachments and addictions, from anger, from selfishness, from fear; above all, from sin.

Freedom is not an escape from, but an ability to choose for. Freedom truly is the ability to “Love, and do what you want,” but the key is that “what you want” is a pure desire, free from self-love and directed towards God.

Saints are truly free persons who are able to give themselves completely in love to others because they are confident in God’s love for them. In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus broke out of the prison of fear to be fully free: he freely chose to embrace the will of his Father, out of complete confidence in his Father and out of the love for humanity which he shared with his Father.

It is important to grow in freedom as we are discerning. Otherwise the voices of our own ego or selfish desires can drown out God’s voice, no matter how God speaks to us. But learning to live in a spirit of discernment—like any aspect of the spiritual life—is gradual. A good discernment doesn’t require perfect freedom. However, we should at least try to recognize what our desires and attachments are in the area of this particular discernment, so that we can strive to let go of them as much as humanly possible. Even healthy, good desires and attachments—such as our satisfaction in a particular aspect of the Church’s mission, or our love for our family—can become impediments to true freedom if we make them more important than the will of God.

Pen_Uncapped

To Journal About

What is your vision of freedom?

What are the biggest obstacles to freedom that you face in your current discernment?

After you have journaled about these questions, bring your answers and your desires to Jesus in prayer.

What if I don’t think I’m “good enough” to become a sister?

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / Leave a comment
Anton Robert Leinweber [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

“Peter’s Denial” by Anton Robert Leinweber [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

After seeing the results of the recent poll that I posted (“What’s the biggest obstacle to considering consecrated life?”) one reader asked a series of really great questions about feeling that we are not good enough to be a religious:

Hello Sister, thank you for your posts! I love your blog.
I can see from the poll results a lot of us feel like we are not good enough to be religious.

What would you say to young women with a history of sinful behavior or who think they aren’t devout or prayerful enough?
Are devotion and prayerfulness things that can be nurtured?
If we are called to religious life will sins from our past be an issue?

Thank you! 🙂

Thanks for the great questions! I think we can start by making a couple of clarifications that can help with some false assumptions that many of us share.

Being Worthy

1) God’s love is gratuitous and unconditional. None of us are “worthy” of the kind of relationship with God that God seeks to have with us. God’s love is gratuitous; he simply wants to be with us, no matter where we are. But that doesn’t mean that God leaves us where we are, especially if we are trapped in a cycle of sin or deeply unhappy.

God’s love is multi-faceted: first, God simply loves us for who we are, no conditions. But God’s love is not idle. God works actively to bring about our greatest good, whether within us by inviting us to grow in a the way we need most, or externally through circumstances and people who help us to grow in the area we need the most (or both)! No matter where we are in our lives or spiritual journeys, God is inviting us to grow, to become more Christlike, to grow into our best selves.

Think of Jesus’ Apostles. They were far from perfect, but Jesus loved them and called them as they were, even with their dramatic failures. (Think of Peter’s denial.) But Jesus also formed them, taught them, called them to live in him, to share in his life, to receive the power of the Holy Spirit so that they could witness to him.

2) Priestly, diaconal, and religious life, because of their visibility, lifestyle, and dedication to prayer and ministry, can certainly seem “holier” or “better” in a theoretical sense. (For example, religious life is described as the call to perfection; priestly ministry is talked about as in persona Christi: “in the person of Christ.” But keep in mind also that all vocations are described by the Church in spousal terms that relate to the God-instituted gift of marriage.) So the true question to ask in discerning one’s vocation is not, “Which vocation is better?” because all vocations, all states in life, are good; each has its own strengths, appeals, and charism; all of them are calls to great holiness. Instead, the true question is: “Which vocation is God calling me to? Which vocation is the best for me? Which vocation is the path where I will most grow in holiness?” Wherever God is calling me, that vocation is the “holier” one, the “best.”

Just as none of us are worthy of God’s love, none of us are “worthy” of the call to holiness (relationship with God) in the various states in life. Each vocation is mind-blowingly beautiful and exalted when understood in all its God-given glory.

When we remember that the “best” vocation is the vocation God intends for me, we are ready to truly discern.

Past Sins and Being Called

With regard to sinfulness in general, it’s important to know that everyone struggles with sin, including priests and religious. I remember when I entered religious life, I naïvely thought that my temper would disappear without much effort…or even all by itself! Unfortunately for the sisters I live with, that was not true. However, my personality—while at times challenging for the sisters with whom I live in community—is generally drawn towards community: I’m truly, deeply happy in sharing my life closely with the other sisters in the convent. So even though I still have to examine myself frequently on my temper (especially when I’m tempted to speak sharply to someone), it doesn’t make community life unbearable for me nor prevent me from being called to religious life.

When discerning, it’s really good to review our personal history and what our choices tell us about our deepest desires. The most obvious example here (and a frequently asked question) is about celibate chastity. If we have not lived chastely as a single lay person, can we still be called to priesthood or religious life? The answer is a definite “Yes, it’s possible.” But it’s important to look at our struggles and history closely and prayerfully. If someone has not lived chastely for a lengthy period of time, then they may not be called to live vowed celibate chastity for the rest of their lives as a priest, brother, or sister. Their attraction to marital intimacy—even when acted upon outside of marriage—could be an indication that the person is called to marriage. On the other hand, Saint Augustine, who struggled with living a chaste life for decades, became a priest and then a bishop. Why? Augustine’s radical conversion, focused Christian discipleship and chaste lifestyle for a number of years, convinced his bishop that Augustine was indeed called to be a priest and later, a bishop.

Praying over our history—the graces, the joys, the sorrows, and our sinfulness—helps  us to discern what our deep desires are, which in turn often give us important clues about how God might be calling us.

“I Don’t Pray Enough”

The final question, that someone may not feel worthy to be a priest, deacon, or religious because they don’t have enough devotion or don’t pray enough, is answered by the questioner. Yes, devotion and prayer can be nurtured—and all of us, not just priests, deacons, and sisters, need to continually nurture our prayer life!

In addition to Mass, lectio divina is the form of prayer that I’ve encouraged most on this blog because praying with the Word of God is so powerful and is really a primary way of praying for all Catholics. Other forms of prayer that I recommend include: Eucharistic adoration, devotion and prayers to the Blessed Mother, meditation, morning and evening prayer, the Liturgy of the Hours. Most people have several ways that they pray regularly. At certain times in their lives, they’ll probably feel called to shift or try another form of prayer. If someone feels their prayer life is lacking, then it’s easy to make a little plan to grow in prayer: in scope (the time we spend) or in depth (the quality of our prayer), or both! Advent and Lent are great times to do this each year—they are the “retreat seasons” that the Church offers to all of us to focus on growing closer to Christ.

In this blog, I’ve tried to include a little of how to grow in various forms of prayer. As Catholics, we have lots of great resources that can help us to grow in our prayer life, whether we are just learning how to pray for the first time, or whether we want to expand and try something new or more contemplative. I’m curious if you as a reader would find it helpful for me to include a list of great books to begin, nurture, and develop your prayer life. Or perhaps you wonder about your prayer life and would find it helpful for me to include a short “primer on prayer” in the book/blog. Please let me know—in the comments or via email.

When we get to the section about specific kinds of discernment, I’ll respond to some of the other obstacles to discerning religious life, diaconate, or priesthood that came up in the poll–they were some great answers there! (If you have a specific burning question or obstacle, let me know and I’ll try to answer it sooner.) And if you haven’t taken the poll yet, you can still do so here.

Tips for the Discerner

/ Sr. Marie Paul Curley / Leave a comment

PraySeveral people have sent in questions or comments, which I will be delighted to address tomorrow or Friday. But in the meantime, I have run across a number of wonderful reflections and tips for those who are discerning, and I couldn’t wait to share them with you. Check these out!

From Sr.  Margaret Michael’s video, Discernment Tip #2: He who is the Way will show us the way for our life. Pray! (Check out her video on facebook here on our Daughters of St. Paul Facebook Page–and keep checking back all week!) Actually, if you are discerning religious life, I would recommend you visit the discernment section on our Daughters of Saint Paul website, too. No matter what community you are called to, you will most likely find the discernment tips offered there very helpful. (Yes, I wrote some of the material that you will find there.)  

Sr. Christina Neumann, OSF, who has a lovely blog that offers an “inside view” of religious life from the Franciscan perspective, offers her reflection for how we can all live #NationalVocationAwarenessWeek

The Heart of Mary’s Women’s Fellowship occasionally offers “self-studies” or “mini-retreats.” They recently posted a beautiful nine-day series of Scriptural reflections on call, vocation, and discernment, which you can find here. This series of reflections make a beautiful Scriptural novena with lectio divina for anyone who is seeking to discern how to follow God more closely in their life. 

The Coffee Spoons Blog posted a lovely reflection, “Everything is grace,” about St. Thérèse’s Garden: that living our true vocation is not necessarily living whom we think we’re supposed to be, but whom God calls us to be! St. Therese’s words are a joyful reminder of God’s loving call to us to be ourselves–our best selves.